It was a Wednesday, I remember it well….
I was on the way to a job interview and I had all hopes of getting it. I was employed at a large insurance firm and for the second time my temporary management role got pulled, I had to go back to square one, again, this time was down to off shoring, the whole department getting cut.
I pulled up at the office, it was just around the corner from the spot I was due to go back to work at the following week, a failure, I hadn’t been made permanent, no one was to know it was down to the offshoring, they’d be staring at me, what a loser, he tried twice to be a great leader and failed.
No, I was going to show this new company who I really was, go into the interview and get this job, find out by Monday and quit the old one, walk in, quit, walk out.
I had it all planned in my head.
It was pretty cold that day, middle of October 2013. I’d been with my girlfriend (now wife) for about 3 months, we’d moved in after a month, she was supporting me here and even though she didn’t think I was a failure, that’s what she said anyway, I thought I was to her.
I turn the ignition off and instantly I knew something was wrong so I parked my car up.
My heart started pounding.
Now, I had done my fair share of stimulants over the course of my life, some very strong ones, alongside hard sprints and exercise where your heart was reaching pretty close to it’s max.
This was different.
I was confused as to what was happening, my vision was a little blurry. Water, grab some water I thought, you’re just a little dehydrated you trained legs this morning maybe you pushed those squats harder than you thought.
Then I started heating up, it was weird, I had suffered from migraines and that was what my dad went into hospital with before he had a stroke and passed away when I was 15, we took them seriously, this wasn’t a migraine, it was worse.
Maybe I went and panicked a bit but I was confused what was happening.
Heart beating hard.
I took a second and switched to an app on my phone to control my breathing.
It was horrible and I was not liking it one bit.
I always get to appointments early, one thing I am proud of, my time keeping skills, I HATE being late. I had 15 minutes to calm down, maybe I was just nervous about the interview, maybe?
No, wasn’t that. I had interviews in the passed and rocked them, I was prepared, I had researched the role, the company, I done my homework (for once).
I was losing more and more focus, heart was literally beating so hard it was like I would be able to play it down the phone if I rang the emergency line.
I was starting to get very worried, I tried to call Laura, my girlfriend. I bailed, she wasn’t going to hear of me being like this.
Maybe I should call my mum? No, she didn’t need to have this stress.
I was there, Broadland Business Park in Norwich, looking over a small pond and cafe really not sure what was happening.
It felt like a heart attack.
It felt like the beginning of a migraine.
It felt like I was boiling from the inside out.
I couldn’t feel my fingers too well, kind of pins and needles.
My shirt had basically gone see through now, in all of 5 minutes I had sweated so much I would be able to wring the cotton out and fill a good sized water bottle (I never played that prank when I was little, honest).
Was I having a stroke?
Then something weird happened.
It was like I could hear my dad talking to me.
‘You’re OK, just breath, breath’
I closed my eyes and next thing I knew my phone was ringing, it was the company I was supposed to be inside speaking with 15 minutes ago, I didn’t answer.
I just cried.
I wanted to ask for help from someone, but no-one was around.
I didn’t want to let my girlfriend see me like this but I needed her.
I didn’t want to tell my mum about this but I didn’t know what to do.
I waited, 30 minutes passed and I was ready to move on.
I went to my dad’s grave, I spoke some words to him and then everything was OK.
On the way home I made an appointment with the doctor, they took it pretty serious and said to come into the walk-in rather than wait for a scheduled appointment.
After a full check out they let me go.
It was a severe panic attack.
It was the scariest moment of my life apart from when I knew I would never have my dad around after I left him in that hospital ward.
To this day I haven’t told anyone about this.
In fact, if my wife reads this she will now, only now realise I never got turned down for that job, I simply didn’t go and spent a good 3 hours contemplating.
I have had a couple of panic attacks since then.
None as severe.
In fact, it was right after this event that I made the commitment of getting back to health & fitness, making a positive impact into the lives of others.
If you ever need to talk to someone about this, message me.
I am here.
Thank you for reading.