Why Losing 100lb Messed Up My Life

by Aug 13, 2018Fat Loss, Psychology

So what does losing 100lb actually feel like?

Is it as good as it sounds?

Let me go back to the beginning and describe my lifestyle, where I was and how I felt once I actually realised I had a problem.

Back when I was 15 my father passed away suddenly, he had a migraine the Wednesday and the Saturday he died from a stroke, it was a hard time for the whole family but it impacted me more than I knew it.

I was already a shy kid and when I went back for my final year at school things were different, there was a grown sense within me but I was getting bullied a lot for being who I was, the shy guy who loved hip-hop and now my father had passed away, I am not sure the people in school were aware but it actually hit me very hard when they took digs and I heard someone say ‘that’s the geeky boy who’s dad died’ I had a name around the school it seemed, that hurt.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I slowly turned to food as my emotional release, I was eating a lot, hiding wrappers in the trash and even just skipping lessons sometimes, going to the local store and filling up on sausage rolls and pastries, it was my safe place, all while listening to hip-hop and going home to play video games for hours on end.

By the time I was around 19 years old I was morbidly obese, I was finding it hard to be confident with women and even though I had a couple of girlfriends before, it was hard, I would be so ashamed of letting them see me naked I would even have sex with the lights off and top on, I would even keep my top on in bed during the summer months when it was ridiculously hot outside.

Things had to change.

I remember walking to music college and getting out of breath, not a harsh walk, around 20 minutes from the car park, flat, no reason to be tired but I got there and it really hit me how much I had been hiding behind the food rather than facing up to the bereavement of losing a parent at a young age had put on me.

I started counselling.

It wasn’t until a few session down the line and I was around 21 that my best friend at the time was into training asked if I wanted to go to the gym. When I say gym I mean local country club which was stuck in the 1980s and literally a small place to train, I went.

When I walking into the building I remember seeing what I thought were massive guys over at the free weight section (which went up to around 75lbs tops), people who ‘knew what they were doing’ in the smith machine and using the machines. I let Ash go do his thing and went on a treadmill, it all started then.

After a few sessions I asked for a program and still to this day, my first trainer is a friend of mine and coincidently he now comes to me for advice and he actually had to force me to accept money the last time as I feel he was vital for me to begin on this journey, Millsy, I will be forever grateful for the kick.

I sorted my nutrition, I thought, invested in some Slim Fast along with ready meals (you know the ones which everyone says give you bitch tits…they couldn’t get any worse, what the heck!)

As things progressed I think I purchased a protein shake and god forbid

SOME CREATINE

But after a while things were moving nicely and I dropped a hell of a lot before jumping on a bodybuilding stage 10th August 2008.

OK, I missed a lot out here but the point has only just begun.

Losing the weight was only the start of it, I was shredded.

I was at the goal I had always wanted to be, abs and I thought I loved it.

That was until a social event came and I had to eat off of my plan things were noticeably harder right now and psychologically my mind was fucked. I would find myself staring at the menu for days beforehand like a child watching Baywatch for the first time and wondering why the producers put Pamela Anderson in slow motion, or The Hoff, whatever imagery you want there take your pick. I would change my mind so much and still never decide until the time actually came to order as I was torn between having the nachos which have actually been proven that they are the food of gods or settling for the 8oz rump with a side of vegetables which have been proven it is errr well, just, steak really.

Then there was the fear creeping into my mind –

If I have the nachos will I just go back to where I started, the fat guy with more spare tires than a Nascar pit garage?

That was a horrible thought, the guilt, the fear, the emotions were beyond what I would even wish on my worst enemy. What if I had them and then I couldn’t fit into my clothes, had to go back to a 42inch waist for my work wear?

What, what if I lost my partner because of eating nachos?

You may find it funny to believe but these were actual thoughts, thoughts that happened regularly when meals off the plan became a thing.

I remember one time I took a girl out on a date, first time trying to impress her I wouldn’t even have a diet coke (they didn’t have zero back then), I took my chicken and broccoli meal into the movie theatre and proceeded to munch away stinking the whole place out, she looked at me with disgust, we didn’t have a second date.

Another relationship I started but wouldn’t go out and drink, a nice lady who I really liked but after about 6 weeks things weren’t great and she couldn’t handle the fact of how restrained I was, these things all led to binging out because of the strict diet I was trying to follow.

Every once in around 3-4 weeks I would let loose and really go for it, my mum and stepdad would moan as I would clear out most of the cupboard from cookies to ice cream and everything else I could literally get my hands on. The next 4-5 days I would add in extra cardio as all I could see in the mirror was that fat kid getting bullied, I would starve myself, oh, sorry…FAST for a 24 hour period to reset everything whilst taking a laxative to make sure I was shitting as much out as possible.

This is what my mind became because of one reason when I lost all that weight, I didn’t have a mentor, I didn’t have a coach or anyone to tell me the really simple way and what would happen when and if I did something.

It was nasty, I hated every second but made out like I was it was a happy ever after Monica and Chandler story starting out like you’ve never expected it to happen then BOOM – I’ll be there for you, it was at the forefront of my mind, my life, my existence (wait, did Monica and Chandler stay together?).

It took time to get over this and I find it is something I relate to with so many people, so many clients come to me because they know how I ‘get it’ they may have the weight to lose but know how I made the mistake in the past, they may have lost the weight and want to get to that next level and find the knowledge I have had from going through this stuff to be priceless.

What is it you need to do in order to get through your weight loss journey stronger and in the place you want to be?

If you need to talk further about it then please don’t hesitate about getting in touch, I am here www.revitalizationblueprint.com/letstalk

Written by Ollie Matthews

I'm that Ollie guy who is behind OJay Health and still to this day I know I will be a Ninja Turtle when I grow up.

You may also like

Pin It on Pinterest